It is amazing how quickly things can change in one instant, one second, one moment. Looking back at the beginning of this month, I was so hopeful and excited for 2012. Despite feeling a bit lost in terms of where PC stood in Guatemala, I was ready for 2012 and excited for my second year of service. That all changed too fast. About two weeks ago I was across the country in Xela for In-Service Training (IST) with the people from my project and training group. It was supposed to be a two day meeting and so I was staying at the hotel PC was hosting the meeting in. The point of the meeting was to help plan for the new school year and to give us ideas of what sort of projects, workshops, and activities to do in our sites. It definitely helped to motivate me and gave me some ideas I wanted to develop in my site. The evening of the first day I was out with a few friends just grabbing a beer before dinner and catching up since some of us hadn't seen each other in awhile. In the midst of chatting and hanging out, we get a text from PC on our cells alerting us to check our emails for an important announcement from PC-Guatemala. None of us were obviously by computers so I called a friend that I knew was home and could tell me what this was all about. He read me a few of the important lines.
It began with: "I would like to take this opportunity to explain our immediate plans to enhance safety and security for Volunteers serving in Guatemala." It then went on to dispel rumors of PC-G shutting down. "Peace Corps is committed to continuing the longstanding excellent relation we have shared with the people and counterpart organizations in Guatemala for nearly 50 years." We were then informed about an All-Volunteer Conference taking place the following week, in the same location I currently was in for my meeting, to discuss these "immediate plans" in detail. And then they gave us some brief, ambiguous details as to the new "immediate plans". 1. All incoming training groups for 2012 are cancelled and they expect to have the next group of trainees arrive in 2013. 2. The volunteers set to COS (Close-Of-Service aka finish their 27 months) in March and July 2012, now have to COS February and March, respectively. 3. PC-G will refocus its geographic area and consolidate operations in the "Central Western Highlands". Volunteers working outside of that area "may be relocated to existing sites in the Central Western Highlands to the extent that they are available, or they may also be granted early COS." 4. Early COS will be granted to any volunteer that wants it, regardless of time spent in Guatemala.
So, I received the gist of this over the phone. Didn't really process it at first, went back inside to the table my friends were sitting at, and told them what I was told. As the words rolled off my tongue, it sunk in..."relocated to existing sites in the Central Western Highlands." Tears swelled in my eyes and I had to excuse myself and step outside. Did this mean me? Did I have to leave my site, the place where I finally felt like I belonged, like I was part of the community? Maybe not...Central Western Highlands, what did that mean? Technically, Baja Verapaz is in the center of the country, and has some high lands. And if it did mean me when did I have until to leave? So many questions, no answers. I called the Safety and Security Coordinator and asked him if he could tell me if my site counted as a site in or out of the new refocused region. "Sorry, Natalie, but I'm not allowed to disclose that information yet." What?! What does that even mean? I took it as a no, no I'm not in the region that gets to stay. I cried for a bit, talked to my site mate while we continued to digest this bit of information and then went back in and spent the rest of my night wondering what was going to happen and if we really did have to leave.
The next day was supposed to be the second day of our IST. I think you can imagine that with news like that dropped the night before, no one was focused or the slightest bit interested in IST anymore. The director of our program cut the crap and told us what departments of the country had to relocate. I had to move. (If I had not happened to be at this meeting I would have had to wait to find this out either through the PC rumor mill or until the All-Volunteer-Conference the following week.) I had such a wide range of emotions that I couldn't even process them all. I was upset. Upset that I had to leave a place I grew to call home and had community ties too. Upset that the women I had just begun to start a grant application with for a stoves project were now going to be let down. I was angry. Angry at the lack of communication from PC administration. How long have they known? A mere two weeks before I had spoken with my Project Specialist to ask her if it was a good idea to start this grant application given the current circumstances of PC and the feeling of uncertainty that loomed. I told her the last thing I wanted was to start the process and get the women motivated and excited just to have to let them down if PC decided to pull out. No, she assured me, PC is running normally. Go ahead with application. So you can see how anger resulted when two weeks later that exact thing occurred. I felt betrayed by PC administration and their lack transparency. I felt like all I had worked on until now did not matter to them. I felt frustrated at the lack of control I had on the situation. I felt disappointed with PC as an organization for the manner in which they had handled the situation and the way they were treating me. I felt deceived into thinking I would get the normal 27 month service I was promised. It was a lot to handle.
Since the All-Volunteer Conference (AVC) was going to be held in the same place I was currently already at in a couple days, it didn't make much sense for me to go on a 9-10 hour ride back home, to be home for one day, and to then have to go all the way back again. Since I couldn't go home then, I went to Lake Atitlan for the weekend to relax, sift through my thoughts, and figure out what I was going to do. At this point, I was going through waves of emotions. For some periods of time I would feel fine as though I had finally accepted the situation. Other times I would just get sad all over again and cry. Other moments I would get waves of anger again and curse PC. It was exhausting and it was about to get worse.
It was time for the AVC and having about 200 angry/upset volunteers, PC-G staff and administration, Regional Security Coordinator for Latin America, and a few folks from Headquarters in Washington, DC, in one room was going to prove to be overwhelming and mentally and emotionally exhausting. Thankfully, they began with the heart of the matter: why was this happening and why now? Carlos Torres, the Regional Safety and Security Coordinator, gave a presentation on how this came about. He gave us a timeline of events. Guatemala, along with Honduras and El Salvador, had been coming in the spotlight recently for alarming statistics on violence and crime. July 2010: An analysis report on the region to investigate what's going on. December 2010: Report completed and received by Carlos Torres. March 2011: Teams are sent to the region for "fact finding". April 2011: The World Bank releases a study on violence and crime in Central America stating: "...the entire population of Central America is approximately the same as that of Spain, but while Spain registered 336 murders, Central America recorded 14,257 murders in the same year." More attention on Central America. May 2011: Sub-Regional Safety and Security Conference in El Salvador for PC Country Directors and security staff in Central American posts. November 2011: New rules and policies implemented in PC-G due to concerns brought up at the May conference. New statistics on crime and violence on volunteers in Guatemala: 1 in 10, or 10%, of volunteers in PC-G have been involved in a serious crime from the last three COS groups, compared to the 3.1% global rate for PC. Only 15% of current volunteers felt safe traveling in country from a survey conducted in 2011. December 2011: PC in Central America reconvenes to discuss next steps in reducing crime statistics. January 11, 2012: Final decision memo signed for the immediate plans of PC-G. January 19, 2012: We got the email.
It felt good to finally have PC be open and straightforward with us, despite the tardiness of it all. The presentation, however, made me sad to hear the reality of PC-G, and Honduras and El Salvador for that matter. It made me sad to hear how unsafe people felt and how this was the service we were having. But it also made me question if PC was trying too hard to stay committed to 50 years of service in a country that on paper appears to be quite dangerous and has one of the highest homicide rates in the world. Carlos Torres seemed appalled by the fact that volunteers in this region are trained during our initial training period where best to sit on a bus in case of a shoot out and what steps to take to avoid being shot. I began to realize that these things become our norm. Granted, I feel relatively safe in my site and I feel safe traveling around my site and the nearby areas, but there are parts of the country I don't and no matter what you are always on guard. Living in Guatemala you get used to the fear associated with transport. As Carlos said, you're trained in it, you expect it. It's not the kind of fear though where you think someone is going to assault you at any moment. It's just an underlying thought you don't even realize is there.
And, yet, even though we finally were receiving this information on what had been going on all along, I wish they would have been more open about it sooner and told us along the process what was going on. PC administration talked about how the next group of trainees that get here in January 2013 are going to be recruited differently and made aware of the risks and dangers associated with serving here in Guatemala. Well, ya know, I woulda loved if someone had seriously told me the risks and dangers of Guatemala before coming. I didn't know how dangerous it actually was until I got here and went into training. Partially my fault for not researching enough before arriving? Maybe. But I guess I just assumed if it were that serious I would have been warned beforehand.
So after a lot of tears, anger, resentment, and backlash thrown out at the administration, the three day conference ended. It was filled with other things I didn't mention, such as counselors, resume building sessions, support sessions, etc. that were indeed helpful, but still overload. I was drained and exhausted from it all. And on top of that, it was my birthday on the last day of the conference. I think it was the first time in my life I didn't feel excited for my birthday really. Is that part of getting old? I don't think so, I love birthdays. Just too much going on.
Now I find myself in a confusing and uncertain place. After much consideration, I decided to opt out of taking a site change. I have worked hard in my site here to get to where I am today with the Healthy Schools program and getting to know people in my community. I finally feel like I am in a good place and now I'm being forced to leave. So if I move sites now, I'm going to have the exact allotment of time in that site as I have just had. How is that going to be satisfying, to go through all that introductory crap all over again to finish in the same place I am now? I love my community and town here. I just don't think I can emotionally and mentally go through starting over. I signed up for two years in one place. That's the whole point of PC is. Everyone says you get the most work done in your second year because you've gone through hell and back the first year and finally know how things work in your site and in Guatemala. I got the perfect quote from one of my Yogi teas during all this that enlightened me on the situation. "Wherever you go, go with all of your heart." I knew that wouldn't be the case if I decided to stay and go to a different site. I can't help but feel jealousy towards all the other volunteers that get to stay in their sites and continue working. It feels so unfair that I don't have that option but that's just the way things are. Everything happens for a reason and this is giving me the opportunity for new beginnings. It is difficult, though, because I have no idea what to do next. I've been considering possibly staying in Guatemala and finding a job for just a couple of months with an NGO or non-profit. But then I change my mind and decide to travel for a month and then go home. Then I change my mind and decide to apply to medical school. And then other times I have no idea at all. The semi-good news is that PC is letting my women's group and I finish our grant application for the stove project. If we can prove it can get done in the time I have left in site (which I forgot to mention is until March 24), then they will give us the funds and we can carry out the project. Even if we don't get the funds approved, I like that they are giving us a chance, some hope. The women still gain valuable experience in carrying out the application and, if denied, at least they feel like they had a chance instead of being let down in the prospect of applying.
I can't believe I have two month left in site, less than that actually. Reading my last blog post made me sad seeing how hopeful and excited I was a few weeks ago about my year ahead with PC. I've experienced a lot of hurt since then and it is for that reason it has taken me so long to write a post about it. I guess ever since I've been back in site I have been alright and haven't gotten upset or angry about it because I was tired of thinking about it and being upset and angry. I've moved into acceptance somewhat and writing this post meant tapping back into all of those emotions again. But, in the end, sharing my thoughts and feelings on this is probably better for me. And in the future I will look back and read this and see how much has changed since then. I like to think it's moments like these that give us growth.
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